Meet Satan

questions by Skippy Dominguez and Dake Aachen

photos by Norman Wilkerson

Doomsday Dept

Do you believe in God and all that crap?

Satan

I guess it depends on what you mean by “believe in God”. If you’re asking whether or not I believe he exists... Look. I’m Satan. I’ve met the prick. Actually more than just met him... He’s my father. Thought everybody knew that. Now, if you’re asking whether I “believe” in him like “Hey, God. Don’t give up, buddy. I believe in you!”... Sorry. The guy’s proved himself to be a total disappointment too many friggin’ times to ever put my faith in again.

Doomsday Dept

For how long have you been doing comedy? What were the first gigs like? Any protests from Christians?

Satan

I just started doing comedy about a year ago. Not sure why it took me so long to get around to it, either. I mean, I’ve always been a funny guy. Guess I’ve just been busy doing other stuff. As you probably know, in addition to being a pretty good fiddle player, I’ve spent a lot of time over the years finding and developing promising young Blues musicians. I’ve also dabbled a bit in law. I’ve got some pretty good ideas about Tort reform, not that anybody’s asking. I mean, you buy somebody’s soul, there’s their signature right there on the dotted line, it should be yours, right? Anyway, I’m starting to get off on tangent. What was the other question? Oh yeah, Christians... Nah, they haven’t really discovered my latest career yet. But trust me, they’ve given me nothing but grief in the past, so I expect it’s just a matter of time. Christians are funny. They’re all about promoting evil when it’s their particular brand of evil. But let anybody else try to get into the game and they’re all over them like stink on shit.

Doomsday Dept

How old are you?

Satan

Who even knows? We didn’t really even think about “time” until humans came along. I guess it wouldn’t be technically correct to say time didn’t exist before people, it’s just that nobody thought enough about it to come up with ways to measure it. I’m fucking immortal. What do I need a calendar for?

Doomsday Dept

Is it ok to ask you your real name? If it is — what’s your real name?

Satan

Again, who even knows? I didn’t have or even need a name until folks started feeling a need to personify their fears. Since then I’ve been called all kinds of names. Lucifer, Old Scratch (that’s one of my favorites), Prince of Darkness, although I guess that’s more of a title than a name... In the end it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like I need one for my Social Security card or something.

Doomsday Dept

Do you have any other job(s)?

Satan

Oh, hell yeah. I kinda already covered some of this in the second question, but like I say, I’ve been a talent scout, part time lawyer, fiddle player... I’ve also been a political adviser, I’ve served on the board of directors for numerous corporations, and also as a staff writer on several hit TV shows. And of course, I run Hell. Which is pretty much a full time job in itself.

Doomsday Dept

What does your mom think of your acts?

Satan

Never had a mom. My dad, however, is pretty pissed off about everything I do. I haven’t talked to him in eons, so I couldn’t really tell you what he thinks about the comedy specifically. But I can pretty damn well guess. Still, it ain’t like I’m sitting around worried about it. The prick cast me into a lake of fire, for chrissake. He pretty much lost the right to tell me how to live after that.

Doomsday Dept

Shall we expect apocalypse in 2012 or is it just another false hope for all the life-haters?

Satan

Sure. Go ahead. In fact, expect the Apocalypse whenever you want to. 2012 is completely arbitrary, of course. But, the Apocalypse is coming. It’s coming for every man, woman and child living today, just the way it already came for every man, woman and child who ever kicked the bucket in the past. Humans have been in a constant state of apocalypse since the moment the first monkey became aware of his own mortality. That’s what Christians and all the other religious nuts never got and never will get. They’re like a bunch of annoying fucking six year olds in the back seat of the car incessantly asking, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” The Apocalypse is individual. When you die, you die alone. Doesn’t matter if death comes gently to you while you’re lying comfortably in bed after ninety seven years, or if it rains down on you from above in the form of a nuclear holocaust that destroys your entire planet. You think some guy who got hacked to pieces by Attila’s advancing hoards was any better off for because he didn’t stick around for the End of Days? Dead is fucking dead. And the implication in the way you worded the question is totally right on. People who spend all their time consumed with when and how the end will come are fucking morons. You’ve only got a handful of decades on this planet, less than that if you’re living right. So quit worrying about dying and enjoy the fucking ride.

Doomsday Dept

Do you have wife / kids?

Satan

Never married, never will be. I love women, but they’re a pain in the ass. As far as kids go, sure, hundreds of them. But, lately every time I knock some girl up, the goddamn Pope sends out his henchmen to kill the little bastard. Like I care! Sometimes, for shits and giggles, I’ll mark some random kid with a “666” on the back of his little noggin, just to watch his parents freak out. By the way, can everybody just stop it with the “666” thing? It’s a fucking number. Means nothing to me. Some crazy fucking guy has a weird dream, writes about it, the Christians think it’d make a great ending for their book, and now everyone thinks it’s my Social Security number or something. Give it a fucking rest already.

Doomsday Dept

What kind of music do you like? Slayer, perhaps?

Satan

I see where you’re going with this. Slayer, Metallica, Led Zeppelin... Fucking Black Sabbath? Right? Look. I’m sure all those guys are really really talented and stuff. They’re just not my cup of tea. And it’s not that I don’t appreciate all the attention that the Heavy Metal crowd has given me. But they got no idea who I am or what I’m about. They’re as clueless as the Christians. Probably because they got all their notions of who I am from the Christians. Like I say, I’m partial to the Blues. And I’ve always had an interest in good fiddle music. I fucking LOVE Sinatra. God damn, that kid could sing. I also really like that band Hanson. That Mmmm-Bop song makes me grin like a retarded monkey every time.

Doomsday Dept

Who are your favorite comedians? Do you like Doug Stanhope?

Satan

Absolutely! Stanhope is probably the best comic of his generation. It’s why I try to work with him whenever I can. Louis CK is great too. Love his little films and stuff on YouTube. You seen that one he did about how the Catholic Church is just a big scheme to fuck little boys? Priceless! Jim Jeffries, he’s another one that I can’t get enough of. Basically I like comics who celebrate life and know how to live it. Did I mention Attell? Plus there’s a bunch of guys you probably never heard of that I love. This kid Lucas Molandes, comes out of Austin, keep an eye on that funny little Spick. He’s gonna be huge some day. Glenn Wool is another. He’s probably better known in England than he is in the U.S. The guy has the single funniest line I’ve ever heard. I’m not gonna quote it, ‘cause I don’t wanna steal his thunder. But, it’s a great bit about how dirty words have lost all their punch these days, so folks are gonna have to come up with really offensive phrases to pick up the slack. I can’t do it justice. Just see him if you get the chance.

Doomsday Dept

Is the real reason you wear a mask of Satan your absolute creepiness, ugliness and nerdiness or is it a sincere self-expression?

Satan

Mask? What mask? I’m capable of taking many forms. The one I take on the comedy stage is the one I assume most people will recognize.

Doomsday Dept

Imagine you’re in the movie “Saw” and to save your life you have to either:
A. Strangle Dane Cook with your hips;
B. Cut off Dane Cook’s head with the use of tiny plastic scissors;
C. Make Dane Cook fistfuck himself right in the middle of one of his sold-out gigs.
Choose one answer and explain your choice.

Satan

First of all, Dane Cook is a client of mine. Second, isn’t bashing on Dane getting to be a bit hack by now. The guy’s a success. He has millions of fans. Is his act a bit vapid at times? Sure. Do I find him to be funny? Doesn’t matter. It’s what bugs me about humans, and why I hate Christians in particular. They think they have to destroy everything they don’t like. “I don’t think this guy is funny, therefore he’s ruining comedy.” Bullshit. “But he stole jokes from Louis CK!” Yeah? Like you never stole anything! What the fuck do you care? If Louis CK has a problem with Dane, let Louis deal with it. Otherwise, it’s none of my business. People get that way over Carlos Mencia and Larry the Cable Guy too. Leave Larry alone. Rednecks got a right to laugh at someone just as much as you do. Sorry if I’m starting to rant here, but I’m just tired of the “holier than thou” attitude everybody has about some comics. It’s entertainment. If you don’t find it entertaining, find something that you do. Life’s too short to worry about what other people find joy in.

Doomsday Dept

Tell about your worst gig.

Satan

If you’re asking about comedy, they’ve all been pretty good so far. No complaints. Other than that, my worst gig was probably that fiddle contest in Georgia. Never shoulda bet my golden violin on that one. And I definitely shouldn’t have played a Disco number. I just figured, you know, it’s the Seventies... I mean, even the Stones were doing Disco at that point. I guess I just didn’t realize how far behind the cultural bell curve those bumkins were.

Doomsday Dept

Do you think Barack Obama has a stupid name? (We do.)

Satan

I think most names are kinda stupid. I guess his is unusual. But, fuck it. It’s not like the U.S. has been doing so great with so called “normal” named presidents. The only thing that bugs me about Barack is his pandering to Christians. I guess you sorta have to to get elected in that shit-bag country. But c’mon. Obama is waaaay too bright to buy into all that God stuff. Or maybe he isn’t. I don’t know.

Doomsday Dept

What is your ultimate goal in life?

Satan

To get you sorry fucks to quit chasing your superstitious tails and start living your lives. You kids spend all your time trying to find answers, worrying about the future and obsessing about what your neighbors are up to. Everybody needs to just relax and have a good time. I know I keep saying it, but Your lives are short. You can’t possibly fit all the fun and enjoyment there is to be had into them. So quit worrying about placating some god whose nature you couldn’t ever possibly understand. And quit worrying about who’s the biggest asshole on your block. Get out there and have good time. Find a drug you like. Get some pussy (or cock, if that’s your thing) and enjoy.

Doomsday Dept

What’s the longest period you can stay sober? (Or do you only drink at gigs?)

Satan

I guess I could “stay sober” for as long as I’d like. But why? What’s the up-side to sobriety? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I don’t wake up and start drinking every day. I got shit to do. But why not get a little goofy, have fun and make a few mistakes at the end of the day? Life’s a lot more interesting when you lose control every now and then. Just don’t get too drunk to get it up. That’s the real danger. Sex, especially drunken sex is infinitely more fun than just being drunk. So you gotta make sure you got enough blood pressure to make things happen down there.

Doomsday Dept

Are you baptized?

Satan

Does that whole “Lake of Fire” thing count? I never quit being amazed at all the little spiritual hoops you people are willing to jump through to make my old man happy. “Hey, could you guys start splashing water on your babies’ heads for me?” “Sure thing, God. Anything else?” “Uh... Yeah, how about you eat a shitty tasting wafer and take a sip of vinegar while pretending it’s my dead son, that’d be a hoot!” “Sounds good.” “Oh... And cut the skin off the end of your pricks.” “You got it!” Christ, you guys are pathetic sometimes. I mean, it’s bad enough all the great stuff you deny yourselves just to make the prick happy. Now you gotta do a bunch of stupid meaningless extra crap on top of it? Look. If you smell bad or something, take a bath. It’s hard enough to get a little pussy now and then without smelling like a hippy’s ass-crack. Just don’t go around thinking a little water’s gonna make God forget what an uptight prick he is.

Doomsday Dept

Imagine a black muslim midget, a white christian midget, the Christian God, Allah, Jesus and Satan meet one day in the purgatory... Can you continue the story?

Satan

No. First of all, in Hell, everybody’s black. Flames have that effect on human skin. So already we’re down a white Christian midget. Second, God and Jesus can’t be bothered to stop jerking each other off long enough to prevent a Tsunami from wiping out the Indonesia. You seriously think they’re gonna come to one of my little parties? Also, Allah and “the Christian God” are the same guy. So your premise is already kinda fucked right there. Now, the black muslim midget... Sure, I can imagine him in Hell. We get those every day. Personally, I think sending a midget to Hell is kinda double jeopardy. I mean, their lives were hell on earth. You’d think God would throw them a bone when they kicked it. But like I’ve said, God’s pretty much a prick. Think about it. He makes some poor slob be born a midget, then doesn’t let him into Heaven ‘cause he came up a little short?! Hey. That’s gold! Gotta remember that one for my act. Anyway, I know you were hoping I’d make up some joke about it like one of those “Three guys walk into a bar” type things. But that ain’t my style of comedy. I more the one-liner type. Have you even seen my act?