Doug Stanhope
the mouth of sanity
questions by Skippy Dominguez and Dake Aachen
photos by Erik Berg-Johansen
Doomsday Dept
Tell us about your childhood. What was it like growing up in Worcester, Massachusetts? High school life? Do your schoolmates envy you now?
Doug Stanhope
Growing up in Worcester is much like this question — rather dull unless you’d didn’t know any better — which I did not. I honestly have very few fluid memories of growing up. So I’m assuming there wasn’t much outstanding, good or bad.
Doomsday Dept
What’s the deal with the ”out of shit” feeling? Any plans for future?
Doug Stanhope
When I said that I was out of shit to talk about, I mean so far as anything that seems taboo or risky or challenging to pull off on stage. It seems like I’ve addressed and often re-addressed every topic I am passionate about.
Doomsday Dept
You have one brother, right? Is he older or younger than you? What does he do? Does he have a family? Tell us a bit about him.
Doug Stanhope
I have one older brother who is the only guy who is still impressed when something good happens in my career, including myself. He’s a guy who stayed in New England, raising a couple kids and trying to keep a small restaurant open and still gets excited for things I do, like television or getting blown by a whore. For me it’s all the same but it’s fun to watch someone else enjoy it — much like watching Bad Santa with someone who’s never seen it.
Doomsday Dept
Your opinion of Sam Kinison?
Doug Stanhope
I liked him when he was around and I was much younger but some of his stuff you go back and listen to — ”Fuck Quaddafi! Bomb that towelhead!” — that kinda shit is extremely pandering to the apes. Still one of the best of his time, no question. But comedy has a short shell life most of the time.
Doomsday Dept
Can you tell us about the very first gig you had? Where and when was it (Las Vegas, 1990?)? Did you smoke/drink then (on stage)? Would be cool to have a recording of it or a transcript if you have it. Or at least some notes of the routine. Was it a success or did you bomb?
Doug Stanhope
Wow, this has turned from an interview into a full biography. Yes, it was Vegas 1990 at a bar called The Escape Lounge II where a very scarcely attended open mic came every Tuesday. We all drank and smoked everywhere back then and I went up with a great buzz and 4 minutes of mostly jerk-off jokes and did what could be considered ”well” depending on how much you handicap for ”first time on stage”.
Doomsday Dept
Can you imagine a stand up comedian who believes in God?
Doug Stanhope
Yes. But I think most stand up sucks.
Doomsday Dept
Why did you choose to do comedy anyway? Is it a long story?
Doug Stanhope
No, not long at all. It’s just something I did that stuck for whatever reason. Nothing I’ve done of any substance in this life have I planned. I’ve run half-drunk with blinders through this life and stumbled down every path of least resistance, so long as that path remained in the neighborhood of fun.
Doomsday Dept
Would you like to make a movie with us?
Doug Stanhope
No. Movies are work. Unless it takes as little time and effort as a gig while paying the same or better, I’m in.
Doomsday Dept
Financial question: How much do you make per gig (average)? Do your CDs/DVDs bring good residual income?
Doug Stanhope
Now you’re the IRS posing as the author of a very lengthy biography pretending to be a website interviewer. Very clever.
Doomsday Dept
Have you ever seen Jimmy Carr doing stand up? Your opinion? (We don’t like him at all.)
Doug Stanhope
I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him do stand-up but I’ve met him several times, he’s supported me heavily and in the face of a negative media and always been extremely friendly. And keep in mind, my LEAST favorite comic — one whose act made me wretch and cry for the arts — even that guy would see me take his side over the anonymous internet opinion of a pro-bono critic. We’ve both danced for our drinks and if you had a middle seat between us on an overseas flight, you’d smell our breath talking over you without you getting a word in edgewise.
I hope that didn’t come off as cranky or cocksuckerish.
Doomsday Dept
Many successful comedians move on to play in Hollywood movies. What about you? Did you ever think of doing the same?
Doug Stanhope
No. I can’t act.
Doomsday Dept
Naked on stage? We’ve never seen this, so can you reminisce a part of what routine was this?
Doug Stanhope
It wasn’t part of a routine ever. It’s just come up occasionally as something that is appropriate to do. Not lately though, as I am now a fat old man and the whole thing is tired.
Doomsday Dept
What do you think of Neil Hamburger?
Doug Stanhope
I love Neil Hamburger. It’s almost like a guy who went out of his way to do something just for comics, who made a whole career just to amuse his peers.
Doomsday Dept
So, are you married or divorced?
Doug Stanhope
I got a gal who’d cry if I fucked someone else.
Doomsday Dept
Do you ever get mail from young and aspiring comedians asking you to evaluate their routine?
Doug Stanhope
All the time. I either ignore it or I do it when I’m drunk. Most who fit into the latter category wished they’d gone into the former.
Doomsday Dept
What’d your advice be to anyone who wants to become a stand up comedian these days?
Doug Stanhope
The only advice I’ve ever got worth passing on is — Never take advice — they’ll only tell you how to be more like them. This goes for giving advice as well.
Doomsday Dept
What’s your favorite brand of cigarettes? Marlboro Lights?
Doug Stanhope
I quit six months ago.
Doomsday Dept
What’s your favorite brand of beer?
Doug Stanhope
Miller Lite.
Doomsday Dept
Favorite type of strong alcohol?
Doug Stanhope
Vodka for a mixed drink and I’ll still do Jagerbombs (Jagermeister & Red Bull) on the road but I don’t endorse it.
Doomsday Dept
Type of ecstasy pill?
Doug Stanhope
Haven’t found any that wasn’t bunk in many years.
Doomsday Dept
Ever had somebody come up to you after a gig and say, ”Hey, about this ‘If you are gay and offended by the word ‘faggot’ I will suck your dick after the show’ bit. Well, I’m gay...”?
Doug Stanhope
Yes. At the show or via email from people who find themselves clever.
Doomsday Dept
Tits or ass?
Doug Stanhope
A tit probably has more room for error, so over a long enough course of time, I’d say tit.
Doomsday Dept
What do you do when you don’t perform? Your typical schedule of an idle gigless day in Bisbee?
Doug Stanhope
Wake up, walk the dogs for half an hour, make a breakfast taco, check these endless emails, run some errands, buy some shit I don’t need at the thrift store, eat lunch, stay on the couch for too long, go write a list of things I’ll never get done tomorrow, have an early evening beer with the neighbors, watch it spiral into far too many beers, email people drunk — so sure this time is different and they ”need” to hear this — take a downer, put on bad television and drift into sleep on the couch.
Sometimes we go to the baseball game at the bottom of the street. Other times we do mushrooms and lurk around the neighborhood in the dark. But mostly, I rest. There’s enough crazy shit on the road. Here we try to stay quiet for a majority (slightly more than 50 percent) of the time.
Doomsday Dept
What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Doug Stanhope
Younger.
Doomsday Dept
How old were you when you lost virginity? Was it a love story, or just the usual teen running on testosterone experience?
Doug Stanhope
I technically achieved penetration somewhere around 9 or 10. I didn’t come in a chick until I was 13. I didn’t become bored with fucking until the last several years (excluding monogamous relationships which kill a boner quicker than Prozac).
Doomsday Dept
Imagine you are on an airship with a jew, a black man and a nine year old kid. The airship starts leaking air and you need to throw out two people to have a safe landing. Who’d you choose?
I’d base it on the individuals. But on this weak hypothetical I’d steer towards saving the black guy and the kid, assuming that you only know the jew is a jew because he calls himself a jew, meaning he defines himself by the most base nonsense & trivia.
Doomsday Dept
Can you give a list of all the countries you ever performed in?
Doug Stanhope
Can you produce a list on people who give a fuck? Let’s assume you can.
— USA
— Canada
— Korea
— Japan
— Mexico
— Australia
— Great Britain
— Ireland
— Scotland
— Netherlands
Doomsday Dept
Did you graduate any college? What’s your education?
Doug Stanhope
I graduated 9th grade and quit shortly into the 10th.
Doomsday Dept
What jobs did you have before you went stand up full time?
Doug Stanhope
Fraud telemarketing mostly, with short stints as a collection agent, dishwasher, donut maker, convenience store clerk and other random shit.
Doomsday Dept
Did you ever write short stories or articles and have them published?
Doug Stanhope
Not to speak of.
Listen, I gotta go now. I got my shit in the dryer and someone’s waiting to use it. Thanks again for this and I hope I didn’t come across as a cunt.
