Dane Cook

is not a silly bitch

(and neither is Zach Galifianakis)

words by Uwe Schweinsteiger

photos by Robin Johnstone

In 1975 or 1976, when Dane Cook was a three years old toddler, a dog gone wild attacked him and clamped the little boy’s head in its violent, beastly jaws. This was the key moment in Dane Cook’s life according to an overwhelming public opinion, because this was exactly when and how that little sprout of Cook’s future was planted. Was it that mental fear of being in the grip of death, so close to it at such a young age, that badly twisted the boy’s consciousness and made him remain frozen and insusceptible to the intellectual development common to the majority of other humans? Or was it plain physical damage to his brain that caused the same effect on his ability to think and evolve? People believe one of those to be true.

But we don’t. Because how else would you explain Dane Cook’s platinum and double platinum CDs, and his two sold out shows in Madison Square Garden in one night? No, the answer is much simpler. — Dane Cook has sold his soul to the devil; and if you are familiar with the 16th century picturesque interpretation of what terms a contract with the devil offers (Christopher Marlowe’s “The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus”, which is a very vivid, trustworthy and objective account, because back then people weren’t able to lie, they could only interpret), then you should know that it binds the devil with the subject of the contract for twenty four years. Considering that Dane Cook’s major breakthrough happened in 1998, we are still left with fourteen years of having to suffer him.

The hypothesis seems plausible, because it’s either this, or there are no less than two millions of stupid fucks who have both will and money to buy his CDs and pay for his shows.

And, you know, how can you call a guy a silly bitch, if he had enough guts to sell out to the devil and then be tortured forever in hell? Dane Cook is NOT a silly bitch.