Acting, a Dying Art

by Winston Kane

Acting used to be an art form. To act meant to have talent. It was to perform, to entertain, to convince an audience and to draw them into a story.

But that’s all gone out the window.

Nowadays acting just means behaving like a retard in front of a camera. There’s no conviction. There’s no belief. There’s no drawing an audience into a story. Acting and television have become an outlet for people who want to act like their brains have short-circuited. No longer can you find a convincing and dramatic performance from Marlon Brando, Al Pacino or Robert Duvall. Gone are the days of a smooth John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson movie. And if you want a clever, quick-paced comedy such as that of John Cleese, you can forget it.

Today’s dramas are acted by nobodies. The ‘cool’ character in a movie will be a random black dude or a high-school jock in a bomber-jacket. And if you want a comedy, brace yourselves...

Steve Carell is a ‘comedic actor’. Jim Carey is a ‘comedic actor’. Adam Sandler is a ‘comedic actor’. All these fuckheads do is prancing around in front of a camera like spastics. The art of comedy has been destroyed and replaced with a big pile of flaming crap. Literally; in Billy Madison, Adam Sandler goes to a neighbour’s doorstep to ignite a bag of shit he throws there. Is that supposed to be funny? I find it insulting. It’s like a big crack in the face with a stupidity stick.

To the readers in the ... United States of America ... — fuck you. This is your fault. If you compare American comedy with, say, British comedy, you can see who is responsible for this transition into retardation. A perfect example of this is The Office. Originally, this was a British T.V. series broadcast by the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), written by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. It was hilarious. Jokes were subtle and inferred, and therefore funnier. The show assumed that as a viewer, you possessed common sense and an at least basic understanding of the English language. It respected you.

Then, for some reason, an American version was made. It starred that asshole Steve Carrel and it was written by I don’t give a fuck. Upon watching the first episode I felt like I was being struck with the verbal monkey-crap that the show was flinging at me. I actually felt my I.Q. drop — I’d tell you how much by but I was too stupid to understand what an Intelligence Quotient was at the time. It was like talking to that annoying person you inevitably meet at a party. The one who will tell you a joke that’s shit to begin with, and then explain it to you when you look at him like you’re going to vomit. I punch this person right in the face.

Jokes were made so blatantly obvious and everything was so stupidly spelt out. It’s like Steve Carrel was saying to me underneath that gay haircut and with those beady eyes “Attention viewers. A joke is about to be made. If you would kindly pay attention, I shall deliver it to which you can reply appropriately. The appropriate reply to a joke...”

Steve Carrel would not be able to explain that the appropriate reply would be a laugh, because by this point I would have broken his Pinocchial (it’s a word now) nose with a speeding fist.

Perhaps Steve Carrel isn’t the right person to direct my anger at. I mean after all, he is making a lot of money by entertaining people. Not me personally, I can write my name and count to ten all by myself, but there are people who watch the show. I guess it isn’t Steve Carrel’s fault after all; it’s his fucking idiotic viewers.

I hate people who like Steve Carrel.

No, fuck it, I hate Steve Carrel too. If I have to hear him uttering that really fast gibberish again, like that’s a sketch, I’m flying to ... America ... to assassinate this motherfucker.

What happened to movie stars being attractive? People used to complain about the media depicting unnaturally beautiful people. Notice how the complaining has stopped? Why? Why aren’t there still beautiful people all over my movies and T.V. shows? Now I’m watching movies and have to put up with the aesthetical shortcomings of Seth Rogen and the fat chick he has sex with in Knocked Up...

All I’m saying is that if you’re going to be viewed on a big screen by half of the world, there should be a clear distinction between your chin and your neck. There shouldn’t be some ambiguous area where you can kinda see your chin and kinda see your neck but it isn’t really either one. If you have a gullet, stick to Reality T.V., the haven for those who can’t make it in showbiz.

Listeverse.com listed their Top 10 Ugliest Male Celebrities. Some of these included:
— John Heder,
— Lyle Lovett,
— Steve Buscemi,
— Michael Jackson,
— that Rocky Dennis kid from Mask.

If someone who looked like Michael Jackson existed a hundred years ago, he would have been killed. Is he only half human? Is he even half human? I’m waiting for a Reality T.V. show to take on ... Jackson ... It’d be part Fear-Factor, part Mind-Freak, part Planet of the Apes... you get where I’m going with this.

Reality T.V. is like the anus of show business. It’s ugly, it stinks, and everything that comes out of it is just plain shitty. Reality T.V. takes the stupidity stick that Adam Sandler attempted to beat me with, wraps a chain of retardation around it, and then gets to swinging.

Reality T.V. works because of the fact that your life is uninteresting. Why the fuck would anyone watch 200 kilo fatties running around on an exercise camp? Is it supposed to be motivational and uplifting? I bet not, because the only people who watch The Biggest Loser are fatties themselves. They’re not interested in losing weight, they’re interested in doing something simpler. Exercising is hard, but watching people isn’t, so doing so helps to lessen their guilt about being able to contain three of me within the space of one of them. If other people are being watched losing weight, it makes them feel like perhaps they can too.

The difference is that the T.V. fatties aren’t sitting in front of a T.V. watching other fatties losing weight. They are actually exercising to lose weight themselves.

Big Brother always stumped me. When I first heard of it I thought it sounded interesting. It would be a good way to make psychological observations of behaviour, and to how people react when under constant surveillance. Besides the fact that Orwell already explored this through Nineteen Eighty-Four, it would still be interesting to bring this to people visually rather than verbally, and in a more real-life circumstance.

But, the producers went and fucked any intelligence that they could right out of the show when selecting a sample.

If the ‘contestants’ on Big Brother are supposed to represent a microcosm for society, I no longer want to live in it. All Big Brother became about were guys walking around shirtless so that the nation could see the bodies they’ve been working on, and girls being so air-headed and flirtatious that they might as well have held a neon sign above their vaginas which flashed “OPEN”.

Big Brother was not a flop of a show, however. It made many seasons and had many viewers sending in their little SMS votes to make sure they save whichever “housemate” was their favourite. That is the sad part.

I have decided that if people will not only watch that shit, but pay 55 cents to send a text message vote to it, then I can definitely make a show of my own.

Reality Show Rejects

In this show, contestants will arrive at a selected venue to audition for a reality T.V. show. The show that they are auditioning for will change each week. For example, one week it might be a new singing show, another a dance show, another an obese people’s show, etc.

When contestants arrive at the venue they will queue up, as is the normal manner with shows like this, and wait before being allowed to enter one at a time through a small door. Once entering the door, the contestants will find themselves in a small dark room. After a couple of seconds, the lights will suddenly turn on and I will be made visible standing before the contestant. After they see me, they will get a quick blow to the head before being dragged out of the room and thrown onto a pile of the other unconscious contestants through the back door.

Not only is this show entertaining, but it serves a purpose.

1. It is punishing idiots who have ever been on Reality T.V. or who want to be on Reality T.V.

2. It will begin to decrease the amount of Reality T.V. shows already in existence, as contestants/participants will be too scared to audition for the fear that the show is mine.

Now, I know that the small minded audiences who watch Reality T.V. bore easily, so shows are forced to insert a weekly surprise (intruders, homosexuals, a rape, etc.). Do not worry, Reality Show Rejects has this covered.

There can be guest appearances, like Mike Tyson replacing me for an episode or Ellen DeGeneres being in the contestants place. There can be seasonal episodes, like me wearing a Santa hat for the Christmas Special. And for a whole episode once a month, the contestants can consist entirely of past Reality T.V. stars.

Don’t worry, each episode will be “The best Reality Show Rejects yet!”

The show will also be interactive. Between commercial breaks viewers can SMS what move they would like to see me do to a contestant. All they have to text is their name and the move, and they will have that move executed with their name at the bottom of the screen. All for the low price of a text.

While we’re speaking about the destruction of acting, there’s a topic that must be brought up. You probably know it, and if you’re male chances are you’re fond of it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m talking about Pornography.

The beauty of porn is that you do not need to be an actor to star in it. In fact, it’s better if you aren’t. The best pornstars are usually addicted to meth and are desperate for their money.

No-one sucks dick better than a chick whose next meal (or hit) depends on it.

I’ve been watching porn for a good two decades now, and over the years I think I’ve developed enough expertise to write my own scripts for it.

These are some common storylines for pornography:

The Classroom #1

A male teacher is sitting in an empty classroom. There’s a knock on the door before an emotionally distraught teenage girl walks in upset about her marks. The teacher (who is you — this is why you never see his face) explains that the mark isn’t that bad and that he can’t change it, no matter what.

But the mark will change.

The girl starts touching herself in places that shouldn’t be touched in a classroom, and when queried explains that she’s ‘working on her extra credit’.

Then the sex follows.

The Classroom #2

You are suddenly 17 again and in a classroom. You’re joking and laughing with your mates, when your ridiculously hot teacher says from behind her desk, ‘Hey Jonny, stop mucking around’. You continue fooling around anyway before your teacher tells you off again. This time she says, ‘I’ll see you after class’ and winks at you. You slap your mate a hi-5.

Then the sex follows.

Bang-Bus.com

These motherfuckers are gangsters, and they have a few different plots. This is my favourite:

They see a girl on the street standing around cardboard boxes. Out of ‘the good of their own heart’ they offer to help the lady move, as they do have a bus. The ridiculously hot lady for some reason accepts their gracious offer, and they load her obviously empty cardboard boxes into the van.

On the trip they convince the girl to repay one of them in sex.

But the best part is the ending:

The guys throw the chick out on the street in some random location, then drive off, chucking her shit out of the back of the bus.

Classic.

My Sister’s Hot Friend

For some reason you go to your sister’s house (which she is sharing with a hot chick who just sits around in a slut’s uniform wearing no panties) to find she isn’t there. You decide to get friendly with her roomie, and consequently you get to fuck the shit out of her.

Nice.

Naughty Maids

You hire a chick to clean. She lowers her standards further for a couple of hundreds.

And last but definitely not least, my favourite:

The Milf Hunter

This dude is a bomb when it comes to making porn. He finds a random on the street, sweet talks her with his camera-wielding buddy, then goes and fucks her (usually at her own house). This guy has sweet positions and in case you get bored or blow too early, he tells a few jokes.

The Milf Hunter is the exception to pornstars being bad actors. Every time I watch a movie of his, I feel the conviction, the belief, the power.

Television is in its dark ages. Unless they start playing classics, porn, or my show, T.V. seems like it may never see the light, no matter how high you set the brightness.

Winston Kane is a writer from Australia. Check out his page:
http://www.myspace.com/winstonkane