Manifesto on Pussy
by Dake Aachen
Pussy does not fascinate me, alright. This whole thing is damn fucked up, and I feel it is my responsibility to tell this. Pussy has any effect neither on me nor on any other person in the Doomsday Dept editorial staff. The whole pussy thing is fucked up, I am telling you. I am so sick and tired of hearing these laments where people tell their ’love stories’ that do not mean a thing. Not a damn fucking thing.
Don’t get me wrong, pussy is a fine thing. Just like toilet stall when you are trying to take a crap or a leak. When you feel you have eaten too much, and you want to take a shit and the WC pan seems like God’s blessing to you, or when you have had that good amount of beer and it’s just the proper time to go to the rest room and you want to take a piss, well, you just go there and do whatever you feel like you want to do — take that heavy blessed dump or stand up above the pan to have ten minutes of divine peeing in the water. There’s nothing wrong with these things, they are all just a form of catharsis, and that’s a physical occurrence, these two things are just a part of human life, none of them is sacred or holy, none of them is supposed to have a higher meaning to it... Really. But when it comes to pussy (or pussè as the esoteric French mind would call it), the whole thing turns upside down and goes bollixed up. This is wrong. Just wrong.
You do not turn defecation into a cult, do you? Can’t name a single nation or civilization, past or present, that would worship shitting. Yet when it comes to human genitalia everyone is out of their mind.
— Wow! Wow! A pussy! Oh my God, that’s a real fucking girl! That’s a young girl too, beautiful, and that’s her pussy, tight, wet, with hair trimmed into a neat line so that it does not tickle your nose when you are licking the hell out of that pussy!
What the fuck is that? How degraded does a nation have to be to have this cult of genitalia, female genitalia particularly?
Fucking is good, there’s no reason to deny this, simply because it really is. Good, healthy, just like any other sane man’s activity. Like jogging now and then if you like doing it. But why going over the edge with it? Why do you have to push it to the extreme, get absolutely nuts about and obsessive with such a plain thing as pussy? A pussy is a pussy, a hole, if you will, a peehole even. This is not some kind of miracle, nor is it something that’s unique or irreplaceable. You may call it indispensable to life, which may be true, but not for you. Obviously, a man can live without a pussy and it’s only a new human being that can’t be born without it.
Now, at this point you may be calling me a fag or may think that I am suffering from erectile dysfunction. I am neither of those and I can always come and kick your ass if don’t believe me — just send a note to mail@doomsdaydept.com, we’ll arrange this. I do enjoy having good sex now and then, regularly or not, just whenever I feel like draining myself of that semen load. But I am not totally crazy about it. I am not against going over edge either. Plunging yourself into insanity, obsession is hilarious, any kind of strong feelings is always a fun thing to do and only a fool would prefer comfort over something strong and steer clear of it. But pussy simply does not have a dimension to it, because all you can do with it is... fuck. What else? I don’t know — lick? But that’s about it, really. May be fun for the first, say, dozen of times, but fucking dumb do you have to be to set your whole life, this incredible, divine thing that you have, spinning around a pussy or the pussy, whatever? You fuck it, then you lick it, then, shit I am at a loss, you fuck it again probably, go in for another round of licking, then you can watch a video with somebody else fucking it, licking it, and then comes the turn of watching pictures of pussy and shots of somebody fucking it and licking, you chat with your partner or a total stranger about how you fuck and lick a pussy and you think, “Oh God, this is totally awesome, licking pussy is great, fucking it is great”, then you can also read books about Tantric sex and shit, which basically boils down to fucking and licking again only without ejaculating to keep you riding that obsessive sex wave — HOW FUCKING DUMB IS THAT, HUH?
Anthony Kiedis and Albert Einstein
Take Anthony Kiedis, for example, and his autobiography “Scar Tissue”. The book is full of fucking. Full of fucking. 465 pages of Anthony Kiedis’ sexual escapades spiced with heavy drug addiction. And the guy is a musician. The book is an autobiography, not a collection of tabloid articles. I mean, if you want something to be remembered for and if you are a big time achiever and really talented (which is true for the RHCP’s frontman), wouldn’t you want to put something different in focus of the book about you? Dwell more on how you made it through, how you developed the talent, hell, put something more meaningful than countless reminiscences of abundant coition. Great music, incredible singing, millions of records sold, people all over the world enjoy Red Hot Chili Pepper’s work, feel this emotional sharing and how uplifting the music is. And all Anthony Kiedis does in the book is describe drugs and fucking. It’s fine to mention your private life and drugs are a personal choice, but to build the whole book out of such poor material...
Can you imagine Einstein writing a book in the same vein?
“It was around the time I published my work titled “The Development of Our Views on the Composition and Essence of Radiation”, when I met Ethel. There was a lot of kissing and touching, and I felt she was the right woman for me. Ethel refused to fuck with me at first. But we fucked later.”
“Marcel Grossmann, that dear friend of mine, introduced me to the Riemannian geometry, which made my theory of relativity possible. One day me and Marcel took part in a scientific conference in Zurich, and it was there that I met Martha. A young and very loving physicist, she was talented, I could not resist the temptation. I invited her to my hotel room, where I wanted to read to her excerpts from my theory of stimulated emission, a work that was yet to be published. Halfway into the reading, I decided to take a shower. So I grabbed Martha by her beautiful hand and brought her into the shower room. I got undressed and told Martha to watch me take a shower. By the way her lips were half-open and her heavy breath I could tell she was aroused. I stepped out and immersed my dick into her, she was wet and tender. I was in love. We fucked for ten hours straight, and occasionally she would scream out random theses from my pervious scientific papers. Needless to say this kept me rock-hard...”
No, Einstein would never do this. But if you look at the 3,500 pages of his private correspondence that’s been disclosed in 2006, you’ll know that Mr. Theory of Relativity had no smaller amount of affairs than Mr. Dream of Californication. There are certain things in this life that you take seriously, and then there are some that have very little meaning to it. Now guess on which side is the pussy.
A Guy on the Other Side of Manifesto on Pussy
Yet, none of the things said is to mean that one should abstain from pussy. No.
There was one guy I knew, a typical weirdo, a nerd probably, who had those thoughts of UFOs with ideas that by no means were a cliché.
“I never jerk off!” he said. And it was definitely a good thing to say, because at this moment he spread his hand out and wanted me to shake it. We all know that men jerk off, but you do not want to shake that hand, that occasional pussy-substitute, a handy one, indeed. That’s why I am always friendly with left-handers.
Well, and that guy struck me right away by saying “I never jerk off” straight into my face, with no introduction or anything.
“Why?” I asked.
“You see, because of the aliens”.
“Huh, what aliens? Like the ones in the movie? The Alien aliens?”
“No, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha. Grrr, this is dumb, ha-ha, ha-ha,” he said. “No, those were Hollywood aliens. I am talking about the real aliens. Guys from outer space, clever creatures who suck energy from us — Earth people. They don’t want to eat us, nor do they care about making experiments on us. None of that staff. What they need is our sexual energy, because they thrive upon this and I have to tell you, they’ve been doing really good for the last half a century or so. I kid you not! They suck the energy that’s released from both a man and a woman every time they engage in a coition. Any human being involuntarily releases energy every time it fucks or at least jerks off. Have you ever noticed that? If you have been jerking too much, have you then felt somewhat meeker or weaker? Like you want to do something but you feel you’d rather not do it, because you feel sort of too weak and you want to go to sleep, but once you lie down on a bed you can’t get sleep and do not want to get back up at the same time. You ever noticed that? Been in the situation? I’m sure you have. You know why this happens? Because you release the energy, you start lacking it, you drain the basin and the staff goes right up and away, through the skies and into the outer space. There are big ugly alien monsters floating, feeding on it, getting high and stronger at the same time, not wasted. There are hundreds of them, even thousands maybe. They can control us telepathically and what they do is they make us believe that pussy is important for us. They want to get as many people as they can into fucking, licking, jerking, engaging in any sexual activity, because it’s all pure energy product for them. I am telling you. I know this. I had a vision once when I was jerking off. It was a revelation. I saw a gigantic, the size of the Chrysler building, monster, almost of the same shape, gaunt as a worm and as ugly, but even more disgusting and with a conscious mind. It was floating around the Earth, noiseless, with its other breed-mates and it was consuming that energy, it loved it, it blew its mind and things. Part of the energy, only a tiny bit, an imperceptible particle was my piece of energy, the energy that I threw mindlessly away by giving myself a quick two-minute indulgence.”
Yeah, the guy was incredible, and an over the edge schizophrenic too.
“I am never ever going to jerk off again,” he said. “We need to start a campaign not only against masturbation, but also against this whole ridiculous pussy thing that’s going on. Let those outer space beasts devour themselves, let them die, get up, wake up, be against pussy!”
That’s extreme, no one wants to be like this weirdo, no one would ever seem to like him either.
Two Chicks Kissing
Yawn...
Labiaplasty
For those of you who may not know this, labiaplasty is a surgical procedure that reduces the size of one or both sets of labia. Statistics show that in the past five years the demand for cosmetic genitoplasty has been on the constant increase; the number of labiaplasty procedures performed has doubled during this period.
The average price for labiaplasty ranges from ,500 to ,500. Of course, you can never quote the top price as it always depends on how fat your wallet is, but... ISN’T THAT JUST FUCKING STUPID? Unless you are a porn actress, of course, because if you are, then...
Porn Actresses
...do not call yourself an actress. Marilyn Monroe was an actress; a chick that sucks dicks and does facials for money is not an actress. She is a whore. Putting a couple of movie cameras and cameramen on the scene does not turn a whore into an actress. Don’t you think this is obvious?
“Hey, do not call me movie a whore, I am a sex actress!”
“Alright, what do you do as a actress? You play?”
“Well... I play, I certainly do...”
“What do you mean by saying “I play”? Does this stand for faking that you enjoy spreading semen all over your face and breasts and that you give out loud moans as if in passion? Is that what you call acting?”
“You don’t understand. There’s more to it.”
“But of course, there’s more to it... One day you are going to shift from cum swallowing to playing Penelope in the eponymous movie. Just like Lindsay Lohan is going to conduct the London Symphony Orchestra in Carnegie Hall.”
Proponents of Marriage, Family Life and Child-Birth
We all know that once you are in a family life, there’s a 99% chance that you are dead as a personality. But no one is to criticize you for that. It’s your personal choice , who am I to say that this is wrong? After all, some of us shoot heroin, write poems, become a goofball president or get a family life, we all need to find that sort of pastime we can fill our empty lives with. But what of special interest here is that it’s exactly those people who are determined to have children use pussy for its prime objective. Which is amusing, because to give birth you need either to have a pussy or to find a way to shoot a load of semen into pussy. There’s really no other way at the moment to get yourself a urine smelling, crying and high-pitch screaming creature of indefinite sex that you’d want to show to other people and say in a proud voice, “Look how cute he/she is!”
But other people who use pussy for a different non-child-birth reason (which basically boils down to licking it, fucking it) are actually the biggest pussy consumers in the world, the most obsessive minds. They have no idea why they are doing this, they can’t conceive why a commercial with hot girls makes that new product so attractive etc. All they want to do is fuck pussy and think they are great. Seducing a girl makes them feel they are achievers, shoving their dick into the tight pussy of a young, beautiful and fresh girl and making these wet slurping sounds makes them think they are real men, talented, big time winners, it makes them say, “Oh God, this is marvelous!” or, “exquisitely wonderful,” or even, fuck it, “I love you!” Feels like magic for these people, but it’s not. A pussy is a pussy, it does not do magic tricks. And if you’d like to know, there are other substances that give you stronger feelings. Even a good cup of poppy tea will deliver you a five times greater pleasure than you can get from pussy.
So, what’s so special about pussy? Nothing.
Two Chicks Kissing on the Second Thought
Yaaaawn...
Big Dicks, Small Dicks
What’s the point of having a big dick or thinking that you have a big dick or having a chick say, “God, I love your big dick...”? What good does it give to you, except for fake satisfaction that does not even last long?
Think about this. If you want to have a good, healthy and long-lasting relationship (not sure why you want to do this, unless you are a chick, but still), do you really think that the size of the dick is going to be the key point that’ll save you from a break-up, sort of an insurance? No, really, forget all these bullshit magazine articles or TV shows or whatever you have as the source of information. Think about this seriously. A couple of years into a relationship, and you are not even fucking, it just wanes off. Dick size. In fact, anything bigger than a pimple is going to suit both of you.
And if you are not in a relationship, how are you going to use your dick to dig girls, if that’s what you are intending to do? Are you just going to just walk around and swing your semi-hard penis at cute chicks, “Hey, look at the size, baby. Say, you want to have a coffee with me this evening?”
If you need to worry about the size, then do this to your wallet. Think of how fat your wallet is, and try to make it fatter. This will always make you feel better.
Subliminal Freudians
Sigmund Freud was a heavy tobacco smoker and at some point a cocaine addict. When he was in the process of developing his classic theory of erotic energy and sublimation, his brain was in a permanent dope haze.
Many days of snorting, smoking and living in Austria, sitting in his gloomy study and being able to entertain himself only with occasional visits to a mental asylum to deal with all sorts psychopaths and snapped minds, Freud says to himself:
“Fucking is the only reason for any social activity. Especially for anything, that’s creative, like art or literature.”
And people picked the theory, it appealed to them so much, because it had one notion — fucking. Anything that happens in this world is because of the desire to fuck, wow! That’s truly ingenious, what a brilliant idea! Boys want to fuck their moms, girls want to suck their dads, how could we have not noticed this earlier? Great!
Don’t you see how phony this all is? The whole libido theory felt so new. Now, almost a century later the world is still facing the same pussy-problems. People do not know what to do with this, except to be obsessed with it. If Freudian theory was of any use, then it was to let us understand the following:
If you want to draw mass audience to something, put a pussy in it...
Naked Came the Stranger
...just like a group of writers did back in 1969 with their hoax novel titled “Naked Came the Stranger”. Mike McGrady, a newspaper columnist came up with the idea of the book, because he felt that the society has become so sex-worshipping that any work without artistic or any value at all could succeed, provided that there was enough pussy in it. In great disgust with the society, McGrady recruited a team of 24 writers and together they produced the novel, sexually explicit, vacant of any idea and extremely poorly written. It was about a housewife who became angry at her unfaithful husband and started having sex with every married man in her neighborhood. “Naked Came the Stranger” turned out to be wildly successful, hit big sales, ended up spending one week on the New York Times Best Seller list and made Mike McGrady feel guilty and wince in loathing at the same time. The poor guy did not know that in some twenty years rap bands were going to hit big and sell zillions of records with the “Lick Me Where I Fucking Pee” singles as Sam Kinison called them.
Is there really nothing better to do than a pussy?
Now, here’s what a pussy is, and that’s exactly what it is.
A pussy — sometines referred to as vulva, vagina (improperly), snapper (properly, but only when the owner of pussy can flex or squeeze the muscles to increase the potential pleasure of the giver, once the dick is inside) etc — is a collective name for female genitalia, which is turn consist of mons pubis (that Venus mound a woman press against your bulge when horny), labia (majora and minora), clitoris and clitoral hood (sometimes referred to as “the man in the boat”), meatus (peehole), introitus (fuckhole), hymen (should be preserved till eighteen, but rarely is) and perineum (some people lick it just to hear the moan). The soft mound at the front of the vulva is formed by fatty tissue covering the mons pubis, which separates into two folds of skin called labia majora. There is a cleft between labia majora. The perineum is a flat area between the point where lower parts of labia majora meet and the anus. Within labia majora there are two soft folds of skin called labia minora. The clitoris is located at the front of the vulva where the labia minora meet. The area between the labia minora is called the vulval vestibule, and it contains the vaginal and urethral openings. The meatus is located below the clitoris and just in front of the vagina. The introitus is located at the bottom of the vulval vestibule, towards the perineum. The introitus is sometimes partly covered by a membrane called the hymen. If a woman has this membrane, then she is either utterly ugly, unsociable or has never been banged properly.
If this exact collection of membranes, openings and other shit invokes in you feelings of magic or gives subliminal thoughts, then it must be a very sad, unintellectual and shallow life you are having. You are probably one of those who give pussy-owners idea of that they rule the world and make them feel that they are special and let them stage almost insanely self-worshipping and yet incredibly popular shows like...
The Vagina Monologues
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Poor Mike McGrady, what’s he doing these days I wonder if he’s still alive... The guy produced a whole book to show the world that all the modern people are pussy-ridden (both sexes). I bet that even in his worst nightmare he couldn’t imagine that a bunch of women talking about their pussies on stage would gather big crowds and be called high art at the same time. The Vagina Monologues, what kind of dumb, shallow chick with overblown ego could have come up with the idea? – Eve Ensler. I wonder how she did this, that’s what I call overcoming the writer’s block, smashing it into smithereens! Imagine her musing one day, “Hmm, I can’t seem to express myself and earn money... Maybe I should write a play... What can it be about? A dick? Nooo, not about a dick, that’s stupid!” looks around, pondering, as if lost in thought but with blank eyes, “About a pencil? About a sheet of paper? A table? A chair?” her eyes lay a mirror, “Nipples? No, that’s not it. Who’d like to see a show about nipples, that’s ridiculous... Plus I am on my period today, can’t think of anything else but the pain in my stomach and... the pussy. Wait a minute, that’s it. A pussy! I’m going to write about a pussy! Oh my God, this is so brilliant. I bet Shakespeare, Tennessee Williams and Eugene O’Neil would have never come up with something as ingenious as writing about a pussy! I am going to hit big! I love me! But I am still on my period, don’t feel like writing at all... Well, I’ll put a couple of words on how bad it is to have menstrual pains and will let other women speak on the same topic. There it is, my show, almost ready. I’ll be on Broadway!”
And she was on Broadway and went large, traveling around the world. I might suggest that she should have undergone that operation the women were treated with in...
The Victorian Times
...when there was female circumcision introduced. During this operation clitoris was surgically removed (cut the fuck off) so that as a result women would never feel orgasm or anywhere intense sexual pleasure and would have used their genitalia only for the purpose of child-birth if that was what they wanted to do.
But this is shallow
Why? Because it’s just stupid to either worship pussy or mutilate it to rid the person of sexual tension (which, by the way, is another stupid term invented by horny and shy science nerds). No reason to go that extreme about a plain pussy. Going over the edge is good. It’s just that pussy does not have dimension to it. Nor can a plain pussy fuck justify everything that accompanies it.
Manifesto on Pussy
Fuck pussy.
And go figure yourself what this means for your life.
